Happy Valentine’s Day
On this day there is no thunder
As love is soaring through the air,
I look up at the sky and shudder to wonder
How I was ever alive before meeting your stare
You and only you fill my life with joy
Your slightest murmur and your passing glance
Makes my feel like I got a new toy
And I stand up so happy I want to dance
I feel like I’m lost when I look in your eyes
I wish someone would show me a route
But to be honest with you because I cannot lie
I want to stay there and never come out.
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It looks like you are aiming for a set rhyming pattern, but the first and second stanza don't fit. Try going for a more steady rhythm and try to get the syllables to match closer. Also, for the last stanza, route and out don't rhyme with each other. You might want to switch them for something else.
Your imagery was pretty nice, especially the last stanza. I have a problem with the second stanza though. Up until then your air was pretty grown up, talking about the love, and then you flash back to a new toy. I think you might want to keep your audience straight.
Overall, pretty nice, but it needs a bit of revising to make it better.
i'm seeing chewed doy toys covered in salvia and teeth marks. i'm not liking it.
I'm going to be blunt. Can I be blunt? I'm sorry in advance. They call it blunt, but really, it can be quite painful.
I'd love to see what you could do without a set rhythm/rhyme scheme. As it is, this verse is wobbly - the rhythm is way out. You're trying, but I dont think the tightness suits your style. Could be just me though. "my" in the third line should be "me".
On this day there is no thunder
As love is soaring through the air,
I look up at the sky and shudder to wonder
How I was ever alive before meeting your stare
Um. Meh. The rhythm is OK but it feels very constricted here. The reference to thunder is random - it implies that there is thunder every other day.
You and only you fill my life with joy
Your slightest murmur and your passing glance
Makes my feel like I got a new toy
And I stand up so happy I want to dance
Loosen up, mate
I feel like I’m lost when I look in your eyes
I wish someone would show me a route
But to be honest with you because I cannot lie
I want to stay there and never come out.
Again, your timing is off. Try reading it out loud or tapping on the desk or something, might help you establish the rhythm. I like the last line though - it was funny ^_^
Overall, well, could use some improvement, but it was a good start. Like Black Rose said; nice, not brilliant, not terrible. Needs some revision
"Makes my feel like I got a new toy "
Toddlers and romance... ahh, how lovely? Forced rhyme here, my opinion, could have used a better word, metaphor, comparison... whatever heh.
Last stanza was beautiful... haha, so her eyes were a maze?
It would have probably been better if not for the rhyming, the only reason I rhyme is to hate things though, so you go on a head and keep rhyming. Overall, nice job. *is Simon Cowell* Nice, not brilliant, not terrible.